Deepavali.... Then and Now!

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1 January 2012 happened to be a Sunday.... Unfortunately, tuned to the regular routine, i woke up at 5:00 AM. As always being a holiday and annoyed that New Year is on a Sinned Sunday(!) i pulled my blanket to cover my face so that i can have the pleasure of waking up late and enjoy(!?!) the holiday... As the cruel sun penetrated into my room, i had no choice but to wake up at 11 (Yaaaawwwnnnn!!!)

Fine... I understand your question... Now what is the connection between New Year and Deepavali??? Well you see, we Indians celebrate anything and everything bursting crackers (Be it Deepavali or Indian Cricket team winning a test match!)... We just need a reason to make some noise... Our road side scientists launch their 'bottle' rockets with the same or even more sincerity and dedication like a scientist in ISRO or even NASA!!

Those 1,000 and 10,000 walas were trying to compete with my TV volume making the VJ look like he is mimicking those noisy crackers.... As i could barely hear the entertainment i turned off the idiot box and started dreaming about the just passed 'Deepavali'. (Here comes the connection!!!). Before i could explain about my experience this Deepavali, let me elaborate on what the festival used to be and mean to me when i was a kid....

As a kid, Deepavali is one festival i used to look forward to as it is a festival which is fun with those crackers and sweets (not the boring ones made for other occasions) and used to be a joyous day... What i knew back then is that it was the death day of some bad guy called 'Narakasuran' which is being celebrated by the whole world... Also, it is a belief that the holy Ganga river will be available in every water body until sunrise and hence if you take bath before sunrise it will give you the same benefit as you go and dip your head in the holy (polluted!) Ganga river...

The real spirits of Deepavali used to begin right from the day i get my new clothes... Dad would always surprise us by getting a new 'model' cracker that is released for that year... I would barely sleep on the day before the festival... Curious on how the new cracker would be and eager to wear my new clothes... Surprisingly on the day of Deepavali, i would be the first to wake up on the sound of alarm and await my turn for a shower just to run to the road to burst those crackers... As mom applies oil to my hair early morning for the shower, i used to ask intelligent questions to my mom for which till date i havent received any answer... Some of those include, 'Maaa... If Ganga is available in all waterbodies right now, why cant we just store the water in our tank and use later and still get the benefit of dipping the head into the real Ganga????' or 'Maaa, if you say there is Ganga river in all waterbodies, does it mean that even 'Koovam' (a special river from my city of 'Chennai' ;) ) also has Ganga in it right now?? So if we go and dip our head in 'Koovam' right now will it amount to taking a shower in Ganga???' and etc and etc... My mom has her own ways of ignoring my questions and would urge me to have my shower soon... As we are supposed to use Shikakai in the place of Shampoos to get rid of all those oil lavishly applied by mom, i would come out of the shower, after lot of yelling noises for almost an hour from mom and sister...

After which mom will make me taste every sweet and snacks made for the occasion and give me the Deepavali Legium (Made of Sukku, Milagu and thippili to protect from the cold(?) weather and improve immunity which i used to hate the most after having those delicious sweets) and then allow me to lay my hands on those crackers... I would run out to the road, burst crackers till afternoon, enjoy the lunch and wait till evening to burst those flower pots and other colourful, less noisy ones and sleep late with a sense of satisfaction... The highlight would be to go and meet the relatives, share the sweets and snacks and spread the joy and spirit of the occasion.

That being yesterday's memories, lets come to today's story.....
As mom keeps calling me with all those 'holy & polite' names, i would wake up from the bed at 7... Irritated to have to wake up so early (???), i would start yelling back at mom stating, 'Maaaa.... I hardly get a day off... Had to work real late yesterday to get today's off... I am feeling so tired now... You and your festival... You guys celebrate it among yourself!! I dont need such a festival... Blah and blah and blah....' As i have my shower and come out the time would have been 10:00AM... My mom would suggest, 'why dont you guys buy atleast a Kambi Mathapu ('Sparklers') for which our responses would be to stop child labour and chemical impacts and that these should not be encouraged!!! After surfing a couple of channels in TV and finding out that all the first time premiere movies are actually flops, i will log into the facebook profile and start wishing people a very Happy Diwali with loads of smilies... These days it just feels like every occasion stays alive only on Facebook... After sending a couple of wishes on the phone and cursing the mobile service provider for disabling a free messaging service on the occasion we say we had an awesome Deepavali...  Well this is the current day "Diwali"...

Wow... What a change over machi!!!! Where did we lose our culture and custom.. Is telephone calls and e-mail wishes gonna replace the physical namaskaram for the elders and aasheervatham that we might get from our grandpa and grandma??? In the rat race for money, success and fame do we even realise what we are losing??? When i have pages to write about my Deepavali experiences as a kid, the current celebrations seem to not even cross a para... Is this the kind of culture and custom we are gonna teach our next generation???

Richness in life is not measured by the money, land and the car we own but by the content, satisfaction, the happiness and most importantly the culture with which we lead our lives... Lets give this a thought and try to preserve what needs to be preserved!

Silly girl thinks big..

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After decades (!?!) of hard work (Phew!!!) i happened to have a jobless day in my life... I don't know if I am the only weird being or i have company, but when i had loads of work i just wanted a break... And when i had a break (at last!!!) i didn't know what to do... Like any other jobless idiot, addicted to Mark Zuckerberg's creation, i logged on to my Facebook account. After surfing all the updates on the homepage until it suggested that there are no more posts to show, i suddenly started looking at my own contributions to Facebook!!! I happened to notice a video that i had shared ages back on what you learn during a plane crash which caught my attention for a while...

Before i could go on with my thoughts, a little brief of the video:
It was a speech by a man whose flight was about to crash. By God's grace, they landed safe but he expressed his feelings as he was in the flight. He shared the three things that he learnt about himself at that moment: (Quoted as he said in the video)

" I learnt that it all changes in an instant... We have this bucket list, we have these things we want to do in life.. And i thought about all the people i wanted to reach out that i didn't.. All the fences that i wanted to mend.. All the experiences i wanted to have and i never did... I no longer want to postpone anything in life... And that urgency, that purpose has really changed my life...

The second thing that i learnt that day was..... I regretted the time i wasted in things that did not matter... with people that matter... I thought about my relationship with my wife.... I decided to eliminate negative energy from my life... I no longer try and be right, i choose to be happy....

The third thing i learnt in this is that dying is not so scary... Its almost like we have been preparing for it our whole life... But it was very sad.. I didn't want to go.. I love my life... And in that sadness i only wished for one thing... I only wished i could see my kids grow up...

I was given the gift of a miracle of not dying that day.. I was given another gift, which was to be able to see into the future and come back and live differently.. Imagine if the same thing that happens in your plane, then how would you change??? What would you get done that you awaited to get done coz you think you are going to live forever???"

Well for a jobless me that gave a whole lots of thoughts to keep me occupied for the whole day... First and foremost i remembered the quote:

" Live everyday as if it were your last and then someday you'll be right"

How true... Death could knock your door any day... What is the point in preparing for the uncertain future when you are not too sure if you will survive the next minute... I am not saying that there is no future, but what we forget is the present... How will you know that when you postpone your desire you will be alive to accomplish your wish... Even if you are alive will it give the same level of satisfaction that you would have got had you not postponed it in the first instance???

I started off with not postponing things and realised that getting things that i want immediately without postponing gives me lots of happiness. Is being happy not the purpose of our lives??? Also it gives me greater time as i don't pile up my wish list, reduced laziness as i no longer want to postpone and a feeling like i am living a life!!

That again reminded me of one of the valuable thoughts shared by the great visionary Steve Jobs.. "Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.". Thats a real statement.. How many of us will choose what we are upto right now if we know we are going to die tomorrow???

We always try to be perfect, plan for the future, try to be this and try to be that... Let me say something... Please try to live the day as it is meant to be!!! Never ever ignore or neglect what your heart wants coz you never know when it'll stop pumping!!! Afterall life comes with an expiry date... Live it to the best!!

So find your passion, fall in love, make your mistakes and make further mistakes.... But just ensure that you have lived your life!! Now i would like to repeat the question that echoed my mind the whole day...

What would you get done that you awaited to get done coz you thought you are going to live forever???

A lonely walk to remember!

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I woke with a heavy heart on a fine Sunday morning... Unknown tears came out of my eyes without my permission. I quickly wiped it saying to myself that its silly... I know i was worried but i didn't know for what.. It was a sunny afternoon when i stepped out... There was a rush of thoughts on my head which was shown in my steps... I walked as fast as i could, as if my steps are going to stop my mind from thinking... As i kept walking a tiny object interrupted my speed... It was a 2 year old kid living happily in her world... For a second i was jealous.. How can the kid be so happy when i am not????

I slowed down to observe her... She was a neighborhood kid walking with her mom exploring the world with surprise and happiness.... She turned around and looked at the same road, each time as if it was the first time she is seeing it... She was happy with everything around her...

Her cute smile gave me a lighter feeling... It was like a cool breeze came all the way to just keep me cool.. As i walked past her, i could feel a relief.. A tiny smile stuck to my lips... I could see a bit of myself in her.... Even i was a happy kid very long ago... What went wrong... What made me start worrying???

On the surface everyone are different... But down there at the heart everyone are the same... They all go through the same pain... The same vain!!! When i was a kid i used to enjoy being in a crowd but now a huge crowd irritates me.... As a kid i used to love to travel by train but now i feel it as a waste of time... So whatever i used to like as a kid doesn't fancy me anymore.... It felt like i am blaming the road for my torn shoes... Instead i must get better shoes that suit the road...

I put on my earphones and started walking with the music on... It was like my player knew exactly what songs to play... With a sigh of relief and a lighter head i walked alone admiring the trees and the skies.. I took the longest route possible with all good thoughts and the positive feelings rushing... I looked around and found the things so new... The street was imperfectly perfect!! And the walk was perfectly perfect!!!

I don't know if i will drive home any lesson but i really learnt to accept and enjoy every imperfections in the world with a child's mind all through the walk...
Yes that was the longest lonely walk i want to remember and thank you kid for making it memorable!!

Be true to yourself!!

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 " I woke from a bad dream. I did not remember anything but just knew that it was the worst dream i could ever have had. There was a slight pain in my head. I opened my eyes to see the messed room. My heart was searching for Pete. He must have gone to work. Pete.... I cant avoid a smile when i think about him. We were married for a month now. Everyday i see a new world with him. I wanted to surprise him today. I got up to clean the room and prepare his favorite dish.
I was disturbed by the doorbell. It must be Pete. I rushed to the door to find Tom our neighbor. He looked a little tired.
"Hey Nancy, you look real tired. Must be very hard for you!"
" No i guess i overslept. Just working on the dishes. Can i offer you a snack?"
Tom looked surprised. I turned to him and asked, " Is there something wrong?"
He said, " You are one brave women i have ever seen. I didn't see you step out for a couple of days after the death of Pete.. So i just came out to check out if you are fine............."
I did not hear anything after that. I was not able to even see Tom's face. It was like my mind is playing a movie. So it was not a dream. Pete did die in the accident that happened right in front of our house. When i passed out, i was taken to the nearby hospital and brought back home a couple of days back in unconscious state. The reason for my head ache is not oversleeping.
 I suddenly felt everything turning dark. My legs became too weak to bear my weight. I fell down......

When i woke up for a change i felt very light. There were too many people in the room. Wait i was able to see Pete. Oh Pete you are back. I moved towards him. In the comfort of his warm hug, i studied the room. There was someone lying on the floor. The doctor checked the pulse and said she is dead. That was an attack. Oh yes that's me. I am back with Pete now....."

This story may seem too crude but the outright fact is that she was not able to accept the truth. She told her conscious that it was a bad dream and couldn't stand it when the same came from an other person's mouth.

We don't mind accepting a lie knowing it to be a lie but cant accept a single bitter truth.
Not just death. I can quote various other occasions. How many of us blame the teacher for lower marks in subjects?? (I am no exception to it!!). How many of us blame the track for not winning a race. We feel happy in passing the blame. We enter into a false belief that i might have won if the track was fine. I might have cleared the exam if the corrections were good. Put it the other way... Had you not prepared well for an exam and got a distinction due to dumb luck, what would you tell others??? How many of us tell others that we were lucky??? Wont we go boasting that it was my great hard work which got paid??? There we again enter a false belief that we have done a real great hard work which is false.

You may lie to others but don't lie to yourself. Remember you came to this world alone and you also go back alone. Parents, friends and others are a part of your life. You are here on a mission and you got to move towards that. I am not here to please you and so you are.

Truth may sometimes be too bitter but learn to face it. Accept the truth and console your mind. But never make a false victory and make your mind believe it!!!


Step one: Be satisfied!!

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The first step to happiness is satisfaction. Are you satisfied and happy with what you have?? You might say a big yes.. Now let me repeat the question.. Are you really satisfied with what you have??? Annoying?? Okay be true to yourself and decide after reading this...

We never realize the importance of what we have unless we lose it.. Why?? Because we most of the time keep worrying about things that we don't have that we never realize what we have.. When even that is gone we get another reason to worry about...

Let me tell a short story :
God once thought, these humans keep worrying so much... Maybe i made a mistake ... Maybe i forgot to give them something that they needed to live happily. So he came down and listened to one prayer made by a student. The student was preparing for an exam and he was terribly ill. He kept crying the whole night when God went next to him and asked, " What is it that is bothering you? Is there anything i can do??". The student replied that it is a very important exam that is going to decide where he has to do his further studies. "If only i can get through this exam by scoring a minimum of 40, i can be assured of getting a call and will definitely make it through during interview..." God was very impressed and gave him a score of 57 so that he can be happy.. The admissions were over and the student got placed in the second most prestigious institute in the town.. The student was again sad... God was confused.. He went to the student and asked " Dear boy, I gave  you 57 marks when you asked for 40... You got an admission in the second biggest institution... Why are you still sad.. Are you not supposed to jump with joy now??" The student replied, " God if only you gave me 3 more marks, i would have got a distinction and got it in the first one... Now i am only in the second prestigious institution!!!"

Now again i repeat my question... "Are you really satisfied with what you have got????"

God has entrusted me with myself.

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What did we bring to take back?? The answer to the question is yourself!
God had a purpose. So he gave you the soul, gave you a mind and put you in a body. Your mind is the custodian of your soul.

You are what you are coz this is what you wanted to be! God gave you everything. To choose the right path and to make your destiny is in your hands. Have i chosen the right path?? Have i made my destiny the way it is meant to be?? To know that we need to understand a few things!

Before talking about anything, there is one question that arise in my mind. Who is the real me? Is it my soul or is it my body? Of course my soul. Then what have i done for the soul so far!! Having lost in the comfort of our body we don't really care what we are meant to do. Little confusing?? Let me elaborate..




I am not what i was yesterday and i will not be what i am today...


I change everyday.. You might wonder how.. After all its the same two hands and two legs and two eyes.. Oh yes but its not the same thought, not the same feelings, not the same dream!

I came to the earth as an innocent kid... Today i stand influenced everyday by you, influenced by the world.. Now I am on my mission to return to my innocence.. to preserve the soul that i have to carry back when I'm gone!!

The search for the purpose continues...

My Dream

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Let me tick off with my favorite activity... Sleeping!!!
It is said that an average human sleeps 7-8 hours a day. Then i am not the average human coz i can sleep more!!! Mom says i am lazy but i say i am gifted!  When people swallow pills to get the sleep, i get it naturally.. is that not a gift???

Dream is a drama played by our mind. I am not a psychotherapist to know the technicalities. But i used to wonder why do i like sleeping and dreaming about something than to wake up and start living in the real world?? Is it not true that dreams are more interesting than real life???

Coz in my dream i have the powers.. I am the queen... I have the power to create... I have the power to destroy... If i want to slap someone in real life, i achieve that in my dream... Yes my dream makes me fulfill what i want...

Dreams are funny. They sometimes take me to the wonderful world and make me feel like 'i wish this is true, i wish i never wake up'! At times they cause nightmares making me wake up in the middle of the night and feel 'Thank god i am not dead'.. making me afraid to face the dark all the time!

How many times do we remember what we dreamt about last night?? Most of the time the answer is negative. So what happens to us when we sleep. As far as i can remember my mind takes me out of my body, out of my home to another place. The illusion looks so real that it gives me a feeling that i am dead.

Thinking about death I somehow remember a vague sentence i heard somewhere in a movie when a man died "And he will sleep permanently in peace now".. That one sentence made me think in my mind somewhere in the corner "Is it not cool to die coz i can keep sleeping happily without having to go to school... I wish i was dead too!!!" That made me start thinking about death...

Now what is the connection between sleep and death??
I feel sleep is a temporary death... When i sleep in the night (or day!!) i go to a different world... Away from my body.. Away from my home... I live in the wonderland until i wake up...
Or to put it the other way... Death means permanent sleep where i can live in the same wonderland without having to wake up!!!

When my thoughts about death was on one part, there was another part of my mind which asked me some valid questions - 'What is the purpose of my birth?? There is a reason why i am not dead today. What is the task that i have to complete before i die? What is meant by life?'

I started searching for the answer from within myself. The search within my soul has begun!!!

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